19.46

broken bones and broken bottles, 

and, for all my sins, i can still smell you on my skin .

today i feel a number of things. i am left in a state of emotional limbo after going to my godmothers funeral . if anything i just feel weird, i feel weird about everything, about how one person that so many people have shared memories with , will now have no more . its just, weird . i also am glad for the people i have in my life , and i hope they know how much they mean to me . 

18.17

today i feel cold

i feel cold in general towards the treatment of people by others . i feel like becoming the embodiment of everything i hate about the world and the people within it . people say that moderation of feelings is the way to go , but i don't abide by game playing and i don't want to moderate , i just want to profligate . 

23.20

devon

so, we got to devon, and its already time to go home again ! 

i just hope the return journey is as interesting and will consist of more feminine orientated products being mis-used, shouting abuse at people in traffic jams , getting people in traffic jams to give us cigarettes, mooning to people in corsa's and bonnie tyler ...amoungst marnie intermittently spitting her sandwhich at me . 

ive had such a good weekend with my best friends, its actually made me realise that home is wherever you can identify yourself as happiest . so i guess home is with my family and friends .

i can't be around my family too long mind, but i still love them !

we have also obtained a team mascot after going to the beach today and spending all our pennies in the arcade, he is called "paul" and he is a garden gnome . he watched us when we went swimming , yet was busy with his plant pot when i made the biggest mexican feast ever, and therefore was unable to join in , nor rescue us from our near death exploding heater experience .

3.52

a half assed list of things i want to do before i die;

• change someone else's ways.
• change my own ways.
• get tattooed
• shave a part of my head , 
• paint something (in) or that is, public 
• be in two places at the same time 
• get arrested ; sadly marnie beat me to that one !
• go swimming in traf. square fountain .
• write and publish a book .
• swim with a bull/tiger/great white shark 
• be somewhere high enough the clouds were beneath me.
• see a real tornado
• be a tiny bit infamous .
• know everything there is to know about something .
• be in complete control 
• hide and never get caught !
• destroy something beautiful ,
• tell someone the truth + exactly what i think
• be a different person for a day 
• philosophise 
• wake up somewhere completely different to where i fell asleep 
• become fluent in a language 
• go bunjee jumping 
• push myself to the very edge , physically and mentally .
• have a baby !
• fall in love, properly . 
• learn how to differentiate between various types of wine .
• appreciate more art
• meet any of my heroes .
• keep on adding to my list ....

03.19

today has been a really strange day !

i woke up exactly 12 hours ago, and its already time for me to go back to sleep. my godmother died today, which has left me feeling sort of devoid of any emotion, i'm neither sad as i feel like i should be, or feeling numb as part of any sort of grieving process . its just strange, we were driving to get food and i was watching people walk their dogs. 

for them, it was a routine as mundane as many other things in their normal lives , for someone else, for something my godmother would never be able to experience . it made me think about how life will always go on , no matter what , lives will still continue . i guess what i mean is that my own life seems rather trivial .

on a lighter note , i invented the tampon game, where you replace a word in the name of a band with "tampon" . 

best ones were : 

iron tampon

bring me the tampon

limp tampon

tampon ! at the disco 

tampons get all the girls

between the tampon and me

tampon for soup

tampon hits car

glamour of the tampon

tampon for my valentine

cancer tampon

a tampon to remember

tampon army 

atampononfire 

clap your hands say tampon !

etc . etc . you know,  life is ok when you really have nothing better to do, haha !

16.15

sunny sunny sunny 

i went to morrisons and spent my last £3 on flavoured water , hooray for having no pennies . i wish i had enough money for a caramel latte, instead of being so poor ! at least now i'm rubbish and skint again i will stop compulsively buying chips because i do not want to risk walking into my kitchen for fear of getting some sort of breathing/bacteria related illness . it seriously is so gross at the moment , i wouldn't be surprised if there are actual living organisms having a little party in there , all i know is noodles SHOULD NOT MOVE ON THEIR OWN ACCORD . 

ewwww ! 

i'm so glad , on the other hand , that my parents decided to call me up super early this morning , and tell me how even though they still couldn't afford to lend me money for my house bond thing, they have enough money to buy a custom made sauna with an in built aromatherapy system . how lovely for them , i hope they think of me starving to death whilst they're relaxing in their own little wooden hot house of evil .

20.36

news 

although my parents have refused to lend me £300 in order for me to put the bond down on my house, which means i'm screwed financially unless i find a job, they have told me they're planning on going to the USA again for about 6 weeks in August, and "it won't be the same without me" and i'm invited . so basically, sweet .