i got tumblr . 

im sorry blogspot for my ultimate betrayal - i just felt too emo and tumblr is widely publicised enough for me to be sufficiently mocked . reading back on a lot of what i have written is funny, because its honestly how i felt at the time . i just think you can only pretend you don't feel one way when you do , only for so long before you turn mad .

i've been bitter, i've been angry , i've cried , i've been happy, and now i'm here , the present is good enough and i'm actually okay . 

(and i've also got a notebook for writing my emo ramblings in, so none of you can snort at me whinging about "loving" a boy who doesn't love me back)

1.06

i know you're not what i deserve, but you're everything i want .

20.35

i wish my balance was sufficient for me to walk in heels 

02.11

i don't need to justify myself to you .

17.29

the fighter in me doesn't want me to stop hoping, the realist in me knows you're a lost cause .

this can sound as whiney as i want, because its my fucking blog...and all i'm going to say is that i'm sick of not having someone , someone who actually cares about what i have to say or think or feel , i have the best friends in the world who i can't fault, but its like not like i can shag them aswell is it ? (ugh, i don't like the word shag...)

i'm getting better though, i know what i want and i know i'm worth more than what certain

people have to offer .

15.25

oh disposable girl, disposable girl, how you wear those blue eyes and curves so well . 

i feel like im waiting for something, but im not quite sure what , but whatever it is feels so close . 

closer than you and i , anyway . 

23.36

and sleep is the only rest i get from this tattered mind . 

oh, when will your hand find yourself in mine ?

18.28

i don't want you, i don't want you , i don't want you, i don't want you , i don't want you, i don't want you , i don't want you, i don't want you , i don't want you, i don't want you , i don't want you, i don't want you , 

how does it feel ?

to have me on my knees, singing your favourite song

a song of long lost lovers, fighters who forgot what it was to feel, and flyers who's feet are so far in the ground all thats left to feel are the roots of dead trees creeping up their ankles.

within that cave you call a chest lies a shattered muscle pulsating a fragmented tune, i am sick of it, and sick of you. im sick of winners winning and losers losing .

we've no smiles spared for green eyes. 

22.31

21 days later, fuck tumblr, and fuck you . 

so, back from america, back to leeds, back from leeds festival and back to square one . 

im waiting for someone to prove me wrong . 

11.50/18.54

im sick and tired of feeling sick and tired 

and never knowing how to feel , im sick of over-thinking everything . 

i've had such an amazing, amazing time in America so far ! everything, truly everything has been amazing, the time with my parents, the scenery, seeing my friends at Warped Tour ! I just, am now, feeling strange today . like, indescribable, its not the usual pre-going home low you get - im actually excited to go home . but i think i know what it is , and i think its never getting what i want . 

20.00/3.00

i want

to do good things for good people . i am happy in every possible way . 

19.19/2.19

i have seen the best of mother natures patience 

i have seen some of the most beautiful things today , beautiful things that defy the laws of imagination . a combination of time and pressure , to in turn create things so truly amazing, it pushes the mind to wonder about how fascinating the world is, and how that there are so many things which we head and heart are simply just, not conditioned to understand. 

17.04/00.04

today i was at the top of the world, 

literally . 

the rockies are such a beautiful place, and, although im suffering from altitude sickness, the key is to drink plenty and appreciate the sun. unlike england, even when the sun isn't out everyone here is still friendly, a stranger will grant you with a smile, a nod, a hello . 

i found happiness in the best of places :

21.09/4.09

absence |ˈabsəns|nounthe state of being away from a place or person : the letter had arrived during his absence |• an occasion or period of being away from a place or person : repeated absences from school.• ( absence of) the nonexistence or lack of : she found his total absence of facial expression disconcerting. See note at lack .
if absence makes the heart grow fonder, then why am i so scared of feeling empty ?missing my best friends is such a strange emotion, i don't really feel that you can define "missing' someone as readily as "absence of" or "lacking something/someone".

21.49/4.49

you and i should get more sleep. 

if you woke up tired, you probably need more sleep. if you woke up drooling at your desk, you probably need a new job. if you woke up with a headache, on a ferris wheel in idaho, wearing a toga, you probably need answers . or, if you woke up married to an elvis impersonator, then you probably need a lawyer . 

p.s

i do not understand , and i will never understand your broken ways 

i rewrote .

last night, i had a dream about a black clad priest, his knees trembling, his face adorned with the recollection of his past, cold sweat, and only an expression that required answers . his eyes wild, shouting for help, clutching his chest , staggering on legs that had forgotten how to walk.

"help. please, help me" pleading in a voice that was drowned out by his appearance.

i told him to pray and ask his "god" to save him, if he would save him. 

the priest fell to his knees, screaming like an abandoned child , mustering himself, he grabbed me by my feet, determined that it was me who would help him,  to save him.

stooping down,  i gave him a glass of water, salt water. he drank, greedy and desperate, water spilling down the sides of his mouth, clutching the glass pressed to his lips until it was empty . unfulfilled of his torment, he wasn't sick , he just continued to clutch his chest, convinced of his lament. 

i didn't understand why , until i realised, that as his face grew dark, and he knew he was alone , he only he could save himself . 

"save me, save me" he sang in a hoarse chorus , but like the world , he too , was hellbent on not being saved , ever . 

"save me, save me" he sang in a hoarse chorus , but like the world , he too , was hellbent on not being saved , 

17.49/10.49

america 

two time zones, one body, one mind, one coffee, 16 cigarettes, millions of thoughts, wish i had more things to keep me occupied .

15.54/8.54

second rate to another 

one girl with her heart on her sleeve is falling for the boy who's heart is on his for another lover's touch , and the circle continues with desperate hands, longing glances and an ambient state of melancholy . 

instead, we fill our time with emotionless lovers, to ease our aching hearts and fight to keep our thoughts at bay. 

but when do you manage to break the cycle ? true happiness is not found lying entwined, hollow eyes. love is irrational , cruel and overwhelming . 

lover, fighter , or high flyer , your feet must touch the ground .

22.09

no, i am not where i belong .

love , love of mine
won't you lay by my side
and rest your weary eyes
before we're out of time?

give me one last kiss ,for soon such distance
will stretch between our lips
now the day's losing light

18.52

the sun burnt when i held it in my hands 

but not as much as you 

2.12

the blood in my veins is turning against me

20.42

i am lost by myself .

my nose is running, my head hurts ,my limbs are aching,  im absent minded but i don't mind, and i miss someone, completely and dearly . 

i'm going to america on sunday! and even though 6am rolls around here and im still waiting for you, im not sure the idea of being separated by an ocean is particularly appealing . but the idea of being surrounded by every possible type of thing that is bad for you, excites me a lot . 

10.43

"your two eyes see, 

but they don't shine as bright as they used too." said the mother to the girl.

"All I know, is that with every boy I kiss, the venom in my mouth spits a little sweeter." replied the girl.

"Are you not lonely?" asked the mother.

"As lonely as some but the voice that guides my heart is interrupted by the voice that guides my feet."

"...You are like the tree that bears no leaves." 

"I am an empty shell that is constant in changing its ways, I serve no purpose, I just am."

1.39

im starting to feel, that maybe i should find God, before God finds me 

1.09

you are

the outstretched fingers finding their way about the cold air of a dark room, waiting for the hand of another to guide you, but if they find you, could they hide you?

would they hide you?

seeking solace in sugar bones and your dim reflection, distinct through better breeding, 

a vague sense of recollection, yet when you touch her skin, all thats left is the comforting taste of sin.

a moth to the flame of all that is measurably pleasurable, yet you are miserable, a ghost who feeds on what is expected normality. but if that hand found yours, would they guide you?

could they guide you?

02.48

from maximum coverage to minimal , extremity seems to be the latest fashion 

but for now i'll keep you all safe in my head, hide like the lover lost in lonely sheets, and i'll wait for you.

18.13

it looks like i've been devoid of anything to say for quite a while now . 

i'd like to lie and say i've been very busy but i haven't . i've just sort of been floating around in my own bubble . 

i've been trying to separate the obvious connection between head and heart recently, its becoming increasingly hard to differentiate between the two, and aside from everything running through my head becoming increasingly complex, its also driving me a mild form of insane trying to categorize one emotion from another, from what i think i should be feeling or what i am feeling . 

i also wish i could sing . i might save up for lessons .

19.46

broken bones and broken bottles, 

and, for all my sins, i can still smell you on my skin .

today i feel a number of things. i am left in a state of emotional limbo after going to my godmothers funeral . if anything i just feel weird, i feel weird about everything, about how one person that so many people have shared memories with , will now have no more . its just, weird . i also am glad for the people i have in my life , and i hope they know how much they mean to me . 

18.17

today i feel cold

i feel cold in general towards the treatment of people by others . i feel like becoming the embodiment of everything i hate about the world and the people within it . people say that moderation of feelings is the way to go , but i don't abide by game playing and i don't want to moderate , i just want to profligate . 

23.20

devon

so, we got to devon, and its already time to go home again ! 

i just hope the return journey is as interesting and will consist of more feminine orientated products being mis-used, shouting abuse at people in traffic jams , getting people in traffic jams to give us cigarettes, mooning to people in corsa's and bonnie tyler ...amoungst marnie intermittently spitting her sandwhich at me . 

ive had such a good weekend with my best friends, its actually made me realise that home is wherever you can identify yourself as happiest . so i guess home is with my family and friends .

i can't be around my family too long mind, but i still love them !

we have also obtained a team mascot after going to the beach today and spending all our pennies in the arcade, he is called "paul" and he is a garden gnome . he watched us when we went swimming , yet was busy with his plant pot when i made the biggest mexican feast ever, and therefore was unable to join in , nor rescue us from our near death exploding heater experience .

3.52

a half assed list of things i want to do before i die;

• change someone else's ways.
• change my own ways.
• get tattooed
• shave a part of my head , 
• paint something (in) or that is, public 
• be in two places at the same time 
• get arrested ; sadly marnie beat me to that one !
• go swimming in traf. square fountain .
• write and publish a book .
• swim with a bull/tiger/great white shark 
• be somewhere high enough the clouds were beneath me.
• see a real tornado
• be a tiny bit infamous .
• know everything there is to know about something .
• be in complete control 
• hide and never get caught !
• destroy something beautiful ,
• tell someone the truth + exactly what i think
• be a different person for a day 
• philosophise 
• wake up somewhere completely different to where i fell asleep 
• become fluent in a language 
• go bunjee jumping 
• push myself to the very edge , physically and mentally .
• have a baby !
• fall in love, properly . 
• learn how to differentiate between various types of wine .
• appreciate more art
• meet any of my heroes .
• keep on adding to my list ....

03.19

today has been a really strange day !

i woke up exactly 12 hours ago, and its already time for me to go back to sleep. my godmother died today, which has left me feeling sort of devoid of any emotion, i'm neither sad as i feel like i should be, or feeling numb as part of any sort of grieving process . its just strange, we were driving to get food and i was watching people walk their dogs. 

for them, it was a routine as mundane as many other things in their normal lives , for someone else, for something my godmother would never be able to experience . it made me think about how life will always go on , no matter what , lives will still continue . i guess what i mean is that my own life seems rather trivial .

on a lighter note , i invented the tampon game, where you replace a word in the name of a band with "tampon" . 

best ones were : 

iron tampon

bring me the tampon

limp tampon

tampon ! at the disco 

tampons get all the girls

between the tampon and me

tampon for soup

tampon hits car

glamour of the tampon

tampon for my valentine

cancer tampon

a tampon to remember

tampon army 

atampononfire 

clap your hands say tampon !

etc . etc . you know,  life is ok when you really have nothing better to do, haha !

16.15

sunny sunny sunny 

i went to morrisons and spent my last £3 on flavoured water , hooray for having no pennies . i wish i had enough money for a caramel latte, instead of being so poor ! at least now i'm rubbish and skint again i will stop compulsively buying chips because i do not want to risk walking into my kitchen for fear of getting some sort of breathing/bacteria related illness . it seriously is so gross at the moment , i wouldn't be surprised if there are actual living organisms having a little party in there , all i know is noodles SHOULD NOT MOVE ON THEIR OWN ACCORD . 

ewwww ! 

i'm so glad , on the other hand , that my parents decided to call me up super early this morning , and tell me how even though they still couldn't afford to lend me money for my house bond thing, they have enough money to buy a custom made sauna with an in built aromatherapy system . how lovely for them , i hope they think of me starving to death whilst they're relaxing in their own little wooden hot house of evil .

20.36

news 

although my parents have refused to lend me £300 in order for me to put the bond down on my house, which means i'm screwed financially unless i find a job, they have told me they're planning on going to the USA again for about 6 weeks in August, and "it won't be the same without me" and i'm invited . so basically, sweet .

19.36

I'm watching my life, and I feel like an outsider .

my bed today has acted as another blank canvas for many of my life's key events, im starting to think thats why so much of my time is spent there . 

saturday wasn't so much of a disaster as i anticipated it would be , i ended up smuggling a bottle of wine with no lid into whetherspoons , getting very drunk, panicking a little at the potential sighting of a certain individual , drinking more , less panicking , drinking a lot more , and then me not remembering much after 12 . 

all i do know is that i ended up on a train at what was technically 9 am (thanks to daylight savings time) in the bloody morning in order to go to my grandma's 80th birthday "thing" . i was shaking and sweating like a dyslexic on countdown, whilst feebly attempting to cure my hangover by eating a sandwich which some disgruntled factory employee had probably coughed in due to the fact the sandwich probably cost the equivalent of their weeks wages . the rest of the day was spent trying to hide the fact i had an obvious hangover by wearing huge sunglasses and staying very , very quiet  - much to the surprise , and pleasure , of my family . family things , usually , do not go down well , although this time , was an exception , mainly because everyone was hammered by the end of the night , and it was me who ended up marshaling my mother and aunty into a taxi and putting them to bed with a glass of water, not the other way around . 

but anyway ! its wednesday now , + i feel good !  mojito'z last night and cuddles are making my head a little more level + i think i've met someone who i can talk too , who is good . we think we are not weird , but everyone else is . 

17.55

LIFE RUINER . 

ooooooh tonight is going to be good ! i have a bottle of gin, and a pair of beautiful heels at the ready , which are also fearless, incase i need to take them off and throw them at somebody during my gin coma . haha , i kind of know how the night is going to end up , aside from me singing to anyone and everyone , its probably going to end in tears . andddddd i have to get a train tommorrow at 10.29 am ! not so cool !

xxx

23.31

shake , shake , sh-sh-sh-shake it ! 

good things are happening , besides having the best friendship ever ! also; laughing about hideous things nobody should laugh about , good things are happening , slowly and surely . 

me and marnie have decided to start midnight jogging considering we're pretty much turning into hedgehogs (minus the prickles) but we do roll into the fetal position when awful things happen, or, are mentioned , for that matter . 

its just nice to be have someone who understands me on pretty much every level, and i am also now able to plot how i want to seek revenge on people with a trusty partner in crime , we should get capes . 

20.13

p.s - "sweetheart, i like you but you're a walking contradiction"

19.32

its a little early in the day for self-loathing . 

finding something to keep a hollow heart pumping in shallow lungs is easier said than done and while we're all struggling to stay alive , recycling thoughts and emotions that have spawned from another , we're fighting a losing battle , because nobody knows what we’re looking for or what it is when we get there ; people, places, memories, objects .

today , I thought about my life.

i thought about changing my ways . 

some thoughts are meant to be kept a secret .

2.51am

a beautiful mind , a horrible mind , 

 i had a dream about a priest who was shouting for help, clutching his chest , i told him to pray and ask him if his god would save him . he continued to scream , grabbing me by my shoulders determined that it was me who would help him,  i gave him a glass of salt water which he drank, but he wasn't sick , he just continued to clutch his chest . i didn't understand why , until i realised that he knew he was alone , and only he could save himself . 

"save me, save me" he sang in a hoarse chorus , but like the world , he too , was hellbent on not being saved , ever . 

 

4.34am

thank you .

2.08am

we don't sleep for fear of never waking.

we don't want to wake for fear of never living .

we don't eat because we don't want to make time .

we don't make time because we're testing ourselves .

we don't fall in love because we're in love with the world

we don't ask, we take.

we don't walk to preserve our legs.

we don't fall we just stumble.

we don't see ourselves, just others.

we don't open our minds, because someone else should do it for us.

we don't inspire, we do inspire.

we don't save our money because it will never rain.

we don't make love, we just fuck.

we don't look down because we'll see how far off the ground we are.

we don't stop to think because thinking is reality.

we don't live in reality because reality is killing us.

we don't stop drinking because the drink needs us.

we don't say our words properly because they're "only words."

we don't need anyone because we don't know who we need.

we don't tell those we need we need them, because needing is for the weak.

we don't start our tasks because we'll never finish them.

we don't want to watch the world because we'll see it burning.

we don't stop believing .

we don't start believing.

22.02

sleeping, is now becoming more of an unobtainable concept , one that i need to take whenever I can as opposed to when I want . i'm so, so , so tired . 

I'm tired when I'm awake and tired when I'm sleeping .  Analysing people and their actions is not only tedious but apparantly physically draining . Nothing is simple . Simplicity is seemingly too complex sometimes , and instead of being honest , people think its okay to patch over the cracks with more cracks . I'm so confused by people and their hidden agenda's , I really wish some people were as translucent as other people speculate , because things are never , ever that simple .  All I want to know where I stand, instead of just sitting around wondering whether the fact that I fell onto my face and shouting at the top of my lungs has now jeopardized anything that could be "potential" . this + questioning whether or not the obvious flaws in my personality or aesthetics need to be improved .

Everyone's always trying to prove to someone else that there is more there that meets the surface but really, at the moment , all I want is the surface instead of trying to figure people out .

Maybe thats why everyone is constantly changing + ironically change is the only thing that remains constant . head fuck ?

4.51am

yet again, i'm sat in my bloody room like some a crazy wide awake person when i know that in an hour or so , normal people - ie; people that have jobs (fulfilling or not, as the case may be) wide awake and wondering what to do with myself .

more or less , my ten cigarettes a day has turned into a 20 deck, and that seems to provide me with an adequate diet with all the correct nutrients ; especially if i decide to colour my cigarettes in with green felt pen . not only do i smoke, feel healthy, but i also get high . everyone's a winner .

this blog is seemingly pointless but i think my insomnia boils down to two predominant factors, the first being my reluctance to sleep in the first place , as part of me is always waiting for something interesting to happen . or SOMEONE interesting to happen . 

( that is not meant to be in anyway offensive to those already interesting people that fill my life on a day to day basis . )

the second is plain and simply because some fucker in the next room enjoys "mming" and "aahing" along with their wet dream . 

maybe this is all someone's elabourate ploy to make sleeping alone even harder , i even miss marnie kicking me in her sleep and dribbling .

<3

3.48am

my throat is sore because there's only so much bitterness i can swallow .