19.36

I'm watching my life, and I feel like an outsider .

my bed today has acted as another blank canvas for many of my life's key events, im starting to think thats why so much of my time is spent there . 

saturday wasn't so much of a disaster as i anticipated it would be , i ended up smuggling a bottle of wine with no lid into whetherspoons , getting very drunk, panicking a little at the potential sighting of a certain individual , drinking more , less panicking , drinking a lot more , and then me not remembering much after 12 . 

all i do know is that i ended up on a train at what was technically 9 am (thanks to daylight savings time) in the bloody morning in order to go to my grandma's 80th birthday "thing" . i was shaking and sweating like a dyslexic on countdown, whilst feebly attempting to cure my hangover by eating a sandwich which some disgruntled factory employee had probably coughed in due to the fact the sandwich probably cost the equivalent of their weeks wages . the rest of the day was spent trying to hide the fact i had an obvious hangover by wearing huge sunglasses and staying very , very quiet  - much to the surprise , and pleasure , of my family . family things , usually , do not go down well , although this time , was an exception , mainly because everyone was hammered by the end of the night , and it was me who ended up marshaling my mother and aunty into a taxi and putting them to bed with a glass of water, not the other way around . 

but anyway ! its wednesday now , + i feel good !  mojito'z last night and cuddles are making my head a little more level + i think i've met someone who i can talk too , who is good . we think we are not weird , but everyone else is . 

17.55

LIFE RUINER . 

ooooooh tonight is going to be good ! i have a bottle of gin, and a pair of beautiful heels at the ready , which are also fearless, incase i need to take them off and throw them at somebody during my gin coma . haha , i kind of know how the night is going to end up , aside from me singing to anyone and everyone , its probably going to end in tears . andddddd i have to get a train tommorrow at 10.29 am ! not so cool !

xxx

23.31

shake , shake , sh-sh-sh-shake it ! 

good things are happening , besides having the best friendship ever ! also; laughing about hideous things nobody should laugh about , good things are happening , slowly and surely . 

me and marnie have decided to start midnight jogging considering we're pretty much turning into hedgehogs (minus the prickles) but we do roll into the fetal position when awful things happen, or, are mentioned , for that matter . 

its just nice to be have someone who understands me on pretty much every level, and i am also now able to plot how i want to seek revenge on people with a trusty partner in crime , we should get capes . 

20.13

p.s - "sweetheart, i like you but you're a walking contradiction"

19.32

its a little early in the day for self-loathing . 

finding something to keep a hollow heart pumping in shallow lungs is easier said than done and while we're all struggling to stay alive , recycling thoughts and emotions that have spawned from another , we're fighting a losing battle , because nobody knows what we’re looking for or what it is when we get there ; people, places, memories, objects .

today , I thought about my life.

i thought about changing my ways . 

some thoughts are meant to be kept a secret .

2.51am

a beautiful mind , a horrible mind , 

 i had a dream about a priest who was shouting for help, clutching his chest , i told him to pray and ask him if his god would save him . he continued to scream , grabbing me by my shoulders determined that it was me who would help him,  i gave him a glass of salt water which he drank, but he wasn't sick , he just continued to clutch his chest . i didn't understand why , until i realised that he knew he was alone , and only he could save himself . 

"save me, save me" he sang in a hoarse chorus , but like the world , he too , was hellbent on not being saved , ever . 

 

4.34am

thank you .

2.08am

we don't sleep for fear of never waking.

we don't want to wake for fear of never living .

we don't eat because we don't want to make time .

we don't make time because we're testing ourselves .

we don't fall in love because we're in love with the world

we don't ask, we take.

we don't walk to preserve our legs.

we don't fall we just stumble.

we don't see ourselves, just others.

we don't open our minds, because someone else should do it for us.

we don't inspire, we do inspire.

we don't save our money because it will never rain.

we don't make love, we just fuck.

we don't look down because we'll see how far off the ground we are.

we don't stop to think because thinking is reality.

we don't live in reality because reality is killing us.

we don't stop drinking because the drink needs us.

we don't say our words properly because they're "only words."

we don't need anyone because we don't know who we need.

we don't tell those we need we need them, because needing is for the weak.

we don't start our tasks because we'll never finish them.

we don't want to watch the world because we'll see it burning.

we don't stop believing .

we don't start believing.

22.02

sleeping, is now becoming more of an unobtainable concept , one that i need to take whenever I can as opposed to when I want . i'm so, so , so tired . 

I'm tired when I'm awake and tired when I'm sleeping .  Analysing people and their actions is not only tedious but apparantly physically draining . Nothing is simple . Simplicity is seemingly too complex sometimes , and instead of being honest , people think its okay to patch over the cracks with more cracks . I'm so confused by people and their hidden agenda's , I really wish some people were as translucent as other people speculate , because things are never , ever that simple .  All I want to know where I stand, instead of just sitting around wondering whether the fact that I fell onto my face and shouting at the top of my lungs has now jeopardized anything that could be "potential" . this + questioning whether or not the obvious flaws in my personality or aesthetics need to be improved .

Everyone's always trying to prove to someone else that there is more there that meets the surface but really, at the moment , all I want is the surface instead of trying to figure people out .

Maybe thats why everyone is constantly changing + ironically change is the only thing that remains constant . head fuck ?

4.51am

yet again, i'm sat in my bloody room like some a crazy wide awake person when i know that in an hour or so , normal people - ie; people that have jobs (fulfilling or not, as the case may be) wide awake and wondering what to do with myself .

more or less , my ten cigarettes a day has turned into a 20 deck, and that seems to provide me with an adequate diet with all the correct nutrients ; especially if i decide to colour my cigarettes in with green felt pen . not only do i smoke, feel healthy, but i also get high . everyone's a winner .

this blog is seemingly pointless but i think my insomnia boils down to two predominant factors, the first being my reluctance to sleep in the first place , as part of me is always waiting for something interesting to happen . or SOMEONE interesting to happen . 

( that is not meant to be in anyway offensive to those already interesting people that fill my life on a day to day basis . )

the second is plain and simply because some fucker in the next room enjoys "mming" and "aahing" along with their wet dream . 

maybe this is all someone's elabourate ploy to make sleeping alone even harder , i even miss marnie kicking me in her sleep and dribbling .

<3

3.48am

my throat is sore because there's only so much bitterness i can swallow .